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  #31  
Old 06-09-2009, 07:19 AM
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That hurt my head Gav
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  #32  
Old 09-09-2009, 05:12 AM
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Name: Chris
Crusty old hard nosed sales guy is travelling for business and finishes up early.

Calls his wife of 37 years and gets no answer, leaves a voicemail to say he'd be home early.

On arrival home, he walks in the door, hoping to greet his wife of 37 years with a smile. He calls out to Judy but no response.

he walks up stairs to drop off his bag, and walks into the bedroom to find his precious wife of 37 years in bed with his best friend.

Furious with rage he points at his wife and says, Judy, that's it pack your bags, get the F out and get a good lawyer, we'll sort this out through the courts.

He then looks at his best friend and says "as for you my best friend.....BAD dog !!!"
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  #33  
Old 09-09-2009, 05:56 AM
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AUSCAMARO AUSCAMARO is offline
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Name: Mitch
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather:

"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies:

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

(Don't you just love lawyers)
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  #34  
Old 16-09-2009, 10:59 AM
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A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.




After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet
for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display
his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow
in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.



He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.

So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover and drives them out into the woods has sex with
them then all brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep.



Seeing that they are all still standing around he deduces that the first try didn't take
and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and
goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.



He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn.
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  #35  
Old 16-09-2009, 06:58 PM
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Stop drinking?

I think I'd keep drinking if I was going home to one of these fine ladies

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CAUTION. Will spontaneously talk cars
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  #36  
Old 17-09-2009, 11:25 AM
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Name: Nate
An Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a slutty girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell...'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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  #37  
Old 17-09-2009, 01:06 PM
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Any day above ground is a good day.
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  #38  
Old 17-09-2009, 01:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 67cammy View Post
NICE !!!
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  #39  
Old 17-09-2009, 05:14 PM
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Stare at this picture long enough and you should be able to see a Giraffe.
This is weird. Give it a try

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  #40  
Old 17-09-2009, 05:15 PM
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Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of
marriage. When asked what
the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing
every problem they had
ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked
around the desk and, after asking Sheila to stand and unbutton her
blouse, he embraced her, put
his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her nipples till they stood erect and
kissed her passionately as
her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.

Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Sheila shut up,
buttoned up her blouse, and
quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?'



Barry thought for a moment and replied, well, I can drop her off here
Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I play golf.' Can you pick her up??
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  #41  
Old 30-09-2009, 02:53 PM
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WILD68 WILD68 is offline
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Name: Jamie
A true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes, as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the Wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police Station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
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68 Camaro, Long term Work in Progress
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  #42  
Old 30-09-2009, 04:45 PM
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  #43  
Old 01-10-2009, 02:19 PM
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WILD68 WILD68 is offline
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Name: Jamie
Police Chase

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'
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  #44  
Old 03-10-2009, 08:40 AM
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USA-69Z USA-69Z is offline
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USELESS INFORMATION , BUT INTERESTESTING

In the 1400's a law was
set forth in England that a man was
allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence
we have 'the rule of thumb'

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was
invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus
the word GOLF entered into the English language.

-------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of
playing cards represents a great king from
history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander,
the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park
of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as
a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on
the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


In
Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight,
sleep tight.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It
was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which
we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many
years ago in England , pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet
your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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  #45  
Old 03-10-2009, 03:07 PM
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